Foul Language Gone Wilde

Oscar Wilde, the famous 19th century Irish poet once said: “The expletive is the refuge of the semi-literate”. In other words; swearing is for dumb heads.

Well, all I can say is, if the ‘refuge’ was an actual place, it would be packed to the rafters -- considering the number of foul-mouthed ‘dumb heads’ around these days. And yes, okay, I might be among their number too at times, I admit. (Before anyone starts calling me a hypocrite because they’ve heard me say naughty words). Yes, we 21st century folk say lots of words that would’ve made our grandparents’ hair curl.

As a kid I was aware of most of the swear words but would never dare use them. And, even though my Dad was always careful not to swear around us kids or in public, I still, in fact, heard my first F Bomb from his own lips as he wrestled angrily with some recalcitrant piece of machinery in his shed. He must have thought the tin shed walls were soundproof!

Mum was not a swearer. In fact, the worst thing I ever heard her say was when she called our kelpie “Face Ache” as he persistently tried to herd her around the clothesline. I thought this was hilarious. In her later years, after a severe stroke had sadly stolen much of her capacity to remember words, she adopted the unlikely (for her) “Bugger Awful!” when things displeased her. Coming from my Mum it was priceless!

Then came my own parenting. We were always careful to keep it nice around the kids and I used to warn them thus (and forgive me Oscar!): “Only dumb people swear because they are too stupid to know any better words.”

The kids got it (I guess no-one likes to be labelled as stupid) and pretty much refrained from using bad language -- around me anyway. I told them I didn’t actually care what they said when they were somewhere where no-one could hear them. BUT (and this was my big stipulation) if there was even just ONE person who might be offended -- or little kids -- within earshot, they were not to do it.

I’m not sure how effective this advice actually was but the fact that the kids spent quite a lot of time down the river suggests maybe they had more words to get off their chests than I realised. (If only the gum trees had ears!)

But anyway, a while ago I was with my sons (now young men) when one of them accidentally dropped the F Bomb. Before I’d even raised an eyebrow in protest, he quickly apologised to me. My heart swelled with pride that my child was so respectful, until his brother chimed in that what he had said was nothing compared to what he usually says! Hmph!

More recently, after a local outdoor rock concert, I commented to Number Three Son that I wished the band hadn’t sworn so much as the microphones were carrying the offensive words all over town.

Number Three just rolled his eyes and said, “Will you just get over this swearing thing, Mum? It’s just part of life. You make such a big deal out of it!”

“So you don’t have a problem with it then?” I asked him. “You’re okay with people swearing anytime and any place, are you?” He nodded emphatically.

“Well, okay. How about getting your own (*F Bomb*) breakfast then?” I inquired politely. Number Three nearly fell off his chair!

Funny how something’s okay until your mother does it. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. (Sorry Oscar, but we 21st Century mums have to work with what we’ve got!)

Nothing Worse?

Yesterday, as my colleague and I scrounged around our office looking for some staples, I found myself blurting out one of those inane, ill-considered, sayings.

Having finally found some staples that were the right size, I bleated: “Thank goodness! There’s NOTHING WORSE than having no staples.”

Realising my gaff, I quickly added, “Unless of course you get hacked to death by an axe murderer. That might be worse.”

You see, I have made a mental pact with myself that I will never utter such ludicrous words in relation to mundane, everyday annoyances. After all, when you really think about it, there are just so many worse things.

Nothing worse than missing the bus? Yes, getting HIT by the bus would be worse.

Nothing worse than having a cold? Try pneumonia, typhoid, malaria, dysentery or The Plague perhaps?

Nothing worse than running out of milk for your cereal? How about out and out starvation. That’s gotta be slightly worse.

Nothing worse than getting up to crying baby in the night? What about lying there for hours worrying that it’s not crying? I’ve been there. It’s definitely worse!

Nothing worse than a sore toe? You’d prefer amputation maybe?

Nothing worse than forgetting to turn your electric blanket on? How about no bed on which to affix the lecky in the first place?

Nothing worse than a slow email connection? Umm…do the words ‘snail mail’ mean anything to you?

Nothing worse than dry elbow skin? One word. Leprosy.

Nothing worse than waiting for the phone to ring? OK, maybe being stood on by a stampeding African elephant might be a tad worse.

Nothing worse than kids who don’t listen? What about kids who DO listen but still don’t give a toss? They are definitely much worserer (new word for the occasion).

Nothing worse than having to go to work on Monday? Does it really get any better on Tuesday? Nah? Thought not.

Nothing worse than dog poo on your shoe? How about dog teeth imbedded in your ribcage? (With an angry dog still attached!)

Nothing worse than slow traffic? Well, arriving by slow ambulance to the morgue could be slightly worse (not that we would be in any position to notice nor care).

Nothing worse than a dodgy computer mouse? Scabies. Scabies would be worse.

Nothing worse than cold coffee? How about warm beer? Eeuw!

By this stage I assume you get my point, so I will shut up now.

After all, I’m sure there’s nothing worse than a Kitchen Philosopher who waffles on ‘ad nauseum’.

Aside from perhaps …….

Nah. Nothing.

Okay, I take your point.