Spinal Tap Tap

Now, if you’re a chiropractor (or someone else who has a special interest in the care of spines) you might want to look away now.

For I’m about to own up to something that is likely to be very much frowned upon by people who have no doubt studied for years in their specialist field and didn’t just stumble across their skills by pure accident (like moi).

You see, the spouse, having quite seriously injured his spine in his teenage years, has suffered terribly over the years with back pain and headaches. He’s tried all kinds of treatments to reduce the pain; from physio, to acupuncture, to ‘cupping and spooning’ (don’t ask), to drugs (legal ones!) to deep tissue and Thai massages and even once had a needle inserted into his neck to supposedly ‘kill’ the nerve that was causing the pain. This resulted in numbness in his neck for about six months, but the niggling pain persisted so, clearly, they’d killed the wrong guy!

Well anyway, all this pain and suffering has meant I’ve become quite the masseuse over the years. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve rubbed and prodded that man’s back, I’d be living on the French Riviera.

Initially my feeble efforts didn’t yield too much relief for him and usually resulted in stiff, sore hands and fingers for me. But after both of us were treated by a wonderful ‘deep tissue’ masseuse for some time, I gained a bit of know-how in reducing tension in his tight muscles (using my elbows) and can now actually help.

Our trip to Thailand also benefited his sore back. Every day he would pop down to the Thai ladies in their beach massage shack and come back a new man. I think the girls actually enjoyed the challenge of working on this person with such a high pain threshold, and they twisted and elbowed him and walked (literally!) all over him. I picked up some new techniques from them which I’ve been using on him since our return. (Not walking on him, obviously. Tough he might be, but Hercules? Nah).

Additionally, after being a long term chiropractic patient myself, I’ve also noted with interest some of my chiro’s special techniques and terminologies.

But maybe I’ve now gone a bit far with my ‘home schooling’ on all things spinal. Yes, a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing; especially when your ‘patient’ is lying on the lounge room floor; ready to sell his first born for a Panadeine Forte.

There I was, jamming my elbows mercilessly into his back when he said:
“How about giving my spine a bit of a push down – like the chiropractor does? If you could just get it to move a bit, I reckon it would help.”

I nervously agreed (yes, this is the scary bit, folks) and placed my hands one on top of the other on his spine in the designated spot and gave a quick ‘jab’.

Crack! Went his spine - much to my surprise - and I jumped back in shock.

“Omigod!” I cried, worried I’d done some permanent damage.

“Nice!” he cried triumphantly. “It feels better already!”

“Aren’t I clever?” I thought and began mentally writing out my chiro bill.

Well, anyway that was a few months ago and I’ve ‘treated’ him a couple more times since -- to quite good effect too, if I do say so myself.

But I realised I had stepped over the mark when this morning I again managed to move his spine a little and found myself making a wannabe-chiropractish little comment; “I think it was that damn ‘T-12’ vertebra again!”

We both realised what I’d said and burst out laughing.

Something tells me I’m getting waaaay too big for my chiropractic boots, so you’ll be pleased to hear I’m now hanging them up!

(Did I hear you say “Phew!”?)